Why do narcissists always seem to be just out of reach, hanging on to affection like a prize?
Is it a deliberate action or a natural inability to establish a more meaningful connection?
Their intense fear of being vulnerable and their insatiable need for control are at the core of the issue.
Narcissists are caught up in their false image of superiority and see real emotional connection as a threat to it.
Why Do Narcissists Withhold Affection?
Why do narcissists refuse to show love? This inquiry explores a very uncomfortable facet of interpersonal relationships, especially those involving narcissistic people.
Narcissists frequently believe they are better than other people and have an exaggerated sense of their significance.
This idea is not a healthy sense of self-confidence; it is a deeply rooted psychological disorder that has a huge impact on their relationships with other people.
They have an insatiable thirst for approval and validation, which drives them to act in ways that are frequently confusing and upsetting to people who matter to them.
One such tactic they use to manipulate and control others is withholding affection.
A narcissist will use this strategy of withholding affection for a number of reasons. First of all, it gives them a feeling of authority and control over their relationships.
They maintain their partners in a state of psychological suspense, continuously seeking validation and approval by giving or withholding affection unpredictably.
The victim of this control method is kept off balance and never sure of their status with the narcissist, much like in psychological warfare.
This behavior has a variety of motivations.
Vulnerability scares narcissists. To be openly loving or affectionate would be to expose a side of oneself that one has carefully hidden from the outside world.
Their whole character is a façade, a meticulously crafted image designed to intimidate and daunt, with no space for real emotional communication.
It is because of this fear of being vulnerable that they are unable to establish a deep emotional connection, which makes their displays of love and affection seem phony or forced.
In addition, narcissists have trouble with empathy, which is a necessary quality of loving relationships.
It is challenging for them to participate in the mutual showing of affection, which is a hallmark of happy relationships, because of their limited ability to comprehend or feel the emotions of others.
Rather, they see relationships as exchanges in which affection is given only when it benefits them.
This transactional understanding of love and affection reduces these deeply felt human emotions to little more than instruments of control and manipulation.
The narcissist’s internal conflict is also reflected in the cycle of withholding affection.
They alternate between hating the dependence that this adoration breeds and needing it to support their frail ego.
The narcissist reacts by withholding affection in order to reassert their dominance when a partner shows them too much affection or becomes overly devoted.
Reasons Narcissists Withhold Affection
1. Punishment
Affection is a weapon used by narcissists to punish people who don’t live up to their expectations or wishes.
This is a psychologically subtly applied punishment that is intended to control and humiliate rather than always being overt.
Narcissists frequently express their dissatisfaction without vocalizing it by withholding affection.
As a result, their partners are left wondering what went wrong and living in constant guessing and self-doubt.
When a victim tries to win back the narcissist’s affection and approval, their self-esteem can suffer greatly because they don’t realize that the boundaries are always shifting.
This dynamic demonstrates the narcissist’s incapacity to have constructive emotional relationships.
They go back to manipulative behaviors, where love is given and received only when the other person complies with their requests.
2. Control
A narcissist’s withholding of affection is fundamentally motivated by control.
It’s a tactic meant to keep control of the relationship while throwing their partner for a loop.
The victim becomes increasingly dependent on the narcissist as a result of this uncertainty because they are preoccupied with figuring out the narcissist’s emotions and wants in an effort to win back that ephemeral affection.
Because of this relationship, the narcissist feels extremely powerful and has control over the feelings of other people.
In this destructive cycle, the narcissist thrives on the control and dominance this dependency grants them, while the partner grows more and more reliant on the narcissist for emotional validation.
Here, vulnerability-related anxiety is a major factor. Despite their bluster and apparent confidence, narcissists have a deep-seated fear of appearing weak.
Giving affection is a risk that a narcissist is unwilling to take because it exposes oneself to possible hurt and rejection.
Thus, in order to maintain the appearance of being emotionally and relationally in control, they decide to withhold and maintain their guarded façade.
This is clarified by Salman Akhtar, MD, who points out that some narcissists take sadistic pleasure in purposefully ignoring their partner’s cues for affection.
This behavior is a deliberate attempt to assert dominance and undercut the partner’s sense of self-worth, not just to keep emotional distance.
In order to keep their partner in a state of longing, narcissists make sure their own needs and wants always come first.
How to Move On
It can seem like an impossible task to end a relationship with a narcissist.
Although the road to recovery is not straightforward or predictable, it is totally possible to recover your life and sense of self with the correct support and knowledge.
Realizing the situation as it is is the first step towards moving on.
This involves embracing the unpleasant reality that any feelings of love and affection you may have felt or experienced were merely a deceptive front rather than the cornerstone of a happy partnership.
Acknowledging this truth doesn’t take away from your sincere emotions; rather, it puts them in the right perspective and promotes healing.
It’s hard for narcissists to change because they are stuck in their cycle of needing to feel better than others and in charge. It can be freeing to acknowledge that it’s them and not you that is the issue.
It changes the emphasis from attempting to mend the relationship to putting your healing first.
After such relationships, self-care becomes crucial. Maintaining your mental and emotional well-being is just as important as your physical health.
Seek professional assistance, surround yourself with a network of friends and family who are supportive, and partake in activities that make you happy and fulfilled.
Conclusion
It can be liberating to realize that the narcissist’s withholding of affection is a sign of their inner turmoil and need for control rather than a reflection of your value.
Recognizing this harsh reality, practicing self-care, and re-establishing your sense of self is necessary for moving on.
It’s a journey of healing from the psychological effects of being denied true intimacy and affection, as well as from the loss of a relationship.
FAQ’s
Why do narcissists withhold attention?
They use the silent treatment as a form of punishment, relishing the power and control it gives them over their victims.
How long can a narcissist go without talking to you?
If a narcissist has found a new source of narcissistic supply, they might never return to you, as their needs are being met elsewhere.
Why do narcissists hate intimacy?
Intimacy exposes them to potential rejection and judgment, threatening their self-worth and causing narcissistic injury. They avoid it to protect themselves from being truly hurt.
