Ever wonder why some siblings drift apart, trapped in competition rather than harmony?
The real culprit may be a narcissistic mother.
Her manipulation and favoritism plant the seeds of rivalry, envy, and mistrust in her children, all in an effort to feed her own ego.
For siblings trying to heal from the emotional wounds they left behind and rebuild their ties, understanding these strategies is essential.
It can be a freeing realization to realize that the dynamics were never a reflection of their value but rather a representation of their mother’s demands.
Effects on Sibling Rivalry
1. Favoritism
You might be surprised to learn that a narcissistic mother is a major contributing factor to the increased rivalry between the siblings.
Narcissistic mothers frequently use favoritism as a tool, but it goes beyond simply favoring one child over another.
It’s a planned action to boost their ego and demonstrate control.
Deep-seated sentiments of failure and anger result from the chosen “Golden Child” becoming an extension of the parent’s ego and the others being neglected.
For you, what does this mean? Acknowledging the tactic underlying partiality is the first step toward recovery if you find yourself in this situation.
Recognize that your parent’s necessities come before your own value.
Rebuilding one’s self-esteem and handling sibling relationships from a place of understanding rather than competitiveness can be greatly aided by this revelation.
2. Using Three Ways
I’ve come across the idea of triangulation a lot in my work with families impacted by narcissistic relationships.
A third party is inserted as part of a manipulation strategy to incite rivalry and friction.
A narcissistic mother may build up a lifetime of sibling rivalry and mistrust by using one child as a pawn against another in the family setting.
However, why does this occur, and how can individuals affected by it benefit from understanding it?
Triangulation can be understood as a process when two parties in conflict bring in a third party to mediate, ease tension, or skew the balance of power. This is in line with psychologist Murray Bowen’s thesis on family systems.
This tactic, when used by a narcissistic mother, guarantees that she will always be the center of attention and control.
Real sibling ties are hard to form in her household because she keeps playing the villain, victim, and rescuer roles to her kids.
Think about this: the narcissistic mother may easily dominate the narrative in the family when one sibling is made to feel like the “golden child,” and the other is made to feel like the “scapegoat.”
The ‘golden kid’ is rewarded and acknowledged, but only under certain conditions, whereas the scapegoat is held accountable for problems in the family or personal failings.
The roles can change or be redistributed, but the fundamental tactic is still the same: divide and conquer in order to win her kids’ allegiance and attention.
This strategy has an impact on sibling relationships not only in childhood but also in adulthood, making it more difficult to build positive, mutually beneficial connections outside of the family.
Healing requires an understanding of the triangulation mechanism.
It can be freeing to understand that the roles you were given by a narcissistic parent were instruments of manipulation rather than representations of your own self or value.
Recognizing the patterns set by the narcissistic mother and making the intentional decision to break out of them is necessary to end this cycle.
Setting limits with the narcissistic parent, going to treatment, and mending sibling relationships from a place of support and understanding are some steps that may be necessary to achieve this.
3. Separation
This strategy includes both psychological and emotional isolation in addition to physical separation. What causes this to occur, and how can it be prevented?
Driven by their desire for approval and control, narcissistic mothers frequently see their kids as extensions of themselves rather than as unique people with needs of their own.
This kind of thinking encourages people to act manipulatively in order to uphold their egos and preserve their dominance.
One way to make sure the mother stays the center of attention is to keep siblings apart, either by favoring one over the other or by giving them roles in the family that make them compete with one another.
There isn’t usually a clear division. It could be as subtle as taking one child to special events and leaving the other behind, or it could be as clear as comparing one sibling’s accomplishments to those of the other.
Through their acts, the narcissistic mother’s love and approval are distanced from their siblings, which breeds resentment, jealousy, and a sense of competitiveness. This love is conditional and transient by nature.
What effects does this separation have? Youngsters experience growing up feeling alone, with ties that ought to have been established during childhood being either weak or nonexistent.
Siblings no longer function as allies; instead, they become rivals or strangers.
Due to the underlying flaws in the models of trust, empathy, and support, this separation may cause long-term problems in establishing good connections outside of the family.
It is essential for understanding the dynamics at play.
Acknowledge that the roles and separation enforced by a narcissistic parent were not indicative of any sibling’s value but rather were calculated strategies.
This acknowledgment is the first step toward healing, which is then followed by a determined attempt to reach out and reestablish those connections from a position of shared experiences and understanding.
It’s not easy to rebuild relationships with siblings after years of being forced apart by a narcissistic mother.
However, the benefits of a feeling of unity, comprehension, and strength are huge.
4. High stress
Siblings typically experience a distinct and subtle kind of strain while living under the shadow of their narcissistic mother’s influence.
This pressure is a deeper, more psychological struggle for identity, and a sense of worth than it is a competition for academics, honors, or athletic accomplishments.
Let’s explore the ways in which this pressure appears and the significant effects it may have on sibling relationships.
Expectations from narcissistic parents are not only lofty but also changeable. There is never enough, which results in a never-ending state of trying and insufficiency.
Early on, kids in these settings discover that their narcissistic parent’s affection and attention are conditional, given only when they fulfill these impossible requirements.
In order to gain the approval of their narcissistic father, siblings in this scenario compete against one another rather than as allies.
Why does this occur? Based on my psychological perspective, it is evident that a narcissistic mother sees her children as extensions of herself rather than as unique persons with needs and interests of their own.
Their successes are her triumphs; their setbacks are her setbacks. Just this perspective alone is dangerous enough.
Nevertheless, it gets even worse when paired with the narcissist’s demand for approval and affirmation from other people.
As a result, siblings are forced into roles that suit their mother’s demands rather than their own, becoming just props in her game of narcissistic supply.
This pressure has a significant negative effect on sibling relationships. It creates rivalry, jealousy, and resentment rather than collaboration, empathy, and mutual support.
Growing up, siblings experience a sense of mutual distrust because they fear that any moment of weakness could be exploited against them in the competition for parental acceptance.
The emotional cost is high; many people retain these scars into adulthood, which makes it difficult for them to build positive relationships with both themselves and other people.
How can these rifts be healed? The first stage is awareness.
Understanding the origin of these interactions is essential to realize that the competition between siblings was fabricated by the manipulative actions of the narcissistic parent rather than actually occurring between them.
What Motivates the Narcissistic Mother to Do This?
The significant effects narcissistic mothers have on sibling relationships make these households particularly notable.
Anyone trying to support someone in this circumstance or deal with the fallout from such an upbringing must understand what drives a narcissistic mother to encourage rivalry among her children.
So why does a narcissistic mother foster this kind of rivalry?
It all comes down to her insatiable need for approval, attention, and power.
Narcissists are attention-seekers, and in the family, this translates into a never-ending pursuit of their kids’ undying love and respect.
This yearning is so strong that it subdues the protective and nurturing instinct of the mother and instead breeds manipulation and division.
Furthermore, the narcissistic mother makes sure that her kids are too focused on outdoing her to question her authority or her actions by creating an atmosphere of rivalry and jealousy.
She further solidifies her control over the dynamics of the family by using this manipulation to effectively isolate the siblings from one another and increase their reliance on her for emotional support and affirmation.
Strengthen Your Bond With Your Siblings
One of the most lasting effects of growing up under a narcissistic parent’s shadow is becoming estranged from one’s siblings.
In the aftermath of narcissistic parenting, forging closer bonds with your siblings is not only possible but also an essential step on the path to both personal and collective healing.
Recognize the Source of Division: The first step in this journey is recognizing that the rivalry and distance that may exist between you and your siblings were systematically instilled by your narcissistic parent.
This acknowledgment aims to clarify the dynamics at work rather than place blame.
Encourage open communication: Talking to each other is the way to get better. Start by sincerely and openly reaching out to your siblings.
Express your emotions to others in hopes of understanding rather than expecting a quick fix.
Recall that listening intently is just as crucial as speaking.
It’s about establishing a safe space where none of you feels judged and can freely express and acknowledge the hurt.
Reframe the Narrative: Together, you have the power to reframe the narrative of your relationship.
This entails making the deliberate decision to view one another as allies rather than rivals who have experienced a similar difficult upbringing.
This is where Carl Rogers’ theory of unconditional positive regard comes in handy.
You can begin to heal from the conditional love you received from your narcissistic parent by showing each other acceptance and understanding.
Establish New Traditions: Developing fresh, distinct traditions is a useful strategy to fortify your relationship.
Regular video conversations, trips with your siblings, or a shared interest can all help to strengthen your bond and create new, happy memories.
Rather than fostering the competitiveness and comparison that your parents encouraged, the aim is to develop a connection based on genuine affection and shared interests.
Final Verdict
Sibling relationships frequently degrade under the shadow of a narcissistic mother, contaminated by suspicion, jealousy, and competition.
However, the first step toward healing may be realizing the underlying causes, which include partiality, duplication of effort, separation, and excessive pressure.
A way ahead is to acknowledge these deceptive strategies as expressions of a parent’s narcissism rather than as measures of one’s own value.
Through shared experiences and a fresh perspective on their history, siblings can come out of this hardship stronger.
The future of sibling relationships does not have to be determined by the harm caused by a narcissistic mother.
A fresh chapter of everlasting love and support can start with work, tolerance, and empathy.
