Why do you always seem to miss someone who has caused us more suffering than happiness?
When a relationship with a narcissistic partner ends, people feel a lot of deep, confusing emotions. This question taps into those feelings.
Even in the face of harm and manipulation, it’s normal to experience a feeling of loss and long for moments of love and connection that never seem to last.
The complex dynamics of attachment, occasional reinforcement, and the appearance of perfection that narcissistic relationships frequently offer are the causes of this contradictory sensation.
Why Am I Missing My Narcissistic Ex
1. The Science of Attachment & Loss
It might be confusing and extremely unsettling to figure out why you can find yourself missing a narcissistic former partner.
To solve this emotional riddle, you must investigate the science of attachment and loss.
When you become attached to someone, especially if they take advantage of your feelings, it can have a long-lasting effect on your mental health.
The first idea to understand is the type of attachment that develops in narcissistic relationships.
This relationship is based more on dependency and, regrettably, manipulation than on love and respect for one another.
This is where the work of John Bowlby’s attachment theory comes in handy.
He makes the argument that our early attachment styles have an impact on our relationships as adults.
Suppose you’ve found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. In that case, it may be indicative of an anxious attachment style, which is a tactic used by a narcissistic partner to gain affirmation and approval.
So why do you still miss this deeply hurtful person? Your brain’s biochemical responses hold the answer.
Your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin when you feel your partner is loving or showing you affection, fostering happiness and a sense of connection.
This process is similar to addiction, in which the thing that gives you the “high” (in this case, loving or caring moments from your narcissistic ex) becomes something you need despite the drawbacks.
Erratic cycles of reward and punishment brought on by inconsistent reinforcement from a narcissistic partner can lead to psychological traps.
This idea is rooted in the operant conditioning theory of B.F. Skinner clarifies how the connection becomes even more attractive when the rewards are unpredictable.
Despite being aware of the toxic nature of the relationship, you find yourself caught in a never-ending loop of looking for the “good times.”
To remedy this, it’s important to acknowledge the internal attributes you mistakenly associated with the relationship but which truly exist within you.
This is a powerful realization. You cherish your feelings toward them since they are a reflection of your worth, attractiveness, and love.
They aren’t the source; they are only a reflection. Realizing this helps change the emphasis from seeking approval from others to finding love and admiration for oneself.
2. The Illusion of Perfection
Why do you feel the need to be around someone who has caused us so much pain?
The core of this desire frequently has less to do with the actual state of the relationship and more to do with the aspirations and perceived perfection you have of your spouse.
Carefully constructed and maintained, this illusion becomes the source of our desire.
It is evidence of the brain’s remarkable ability to create bonds even in the face of difficulty.
The cycle of intermittent reinforcement is typically important to the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist.
This psychological theory, as defined by B.F. Skinner explains how intermittent rewards in a relationship contribute to the development of an addictive behavior pattern.
The narcissistic partner takes on the role of arbitrator of happiness, acceptance, and self-worth, erratically bestowing love and affirmation.
This discrepancy sets off an addictive loop in which painful and manipulative moments are overshadowed by tremendous cravings for moments of imagined perfection and affection.
In addition, the essence of missing a narcissistic ex frequently reveals a deeper need for the emotions and sense of self they evoke in us.
Though seen through a distorted prism, it is a yearning for the version of ourselves that feels appreciated, wanted and loved.
A narcissistic partner’s façade of perfection is only a front for their underlying manipulation and emptiness.
It is a fabrication meant to captivate and subjugate us, pulling us into a story that serves the narcissist’s desires at the price of our welfare.
3. Idealization & Devaluation
In a relationship with a narcissist, the idealization phase can be addictive.
The narcissist puts you on a pedestal and shows you a ton of love, respect, and attention during this time.
This can be really reassuring, particularly if you’ve previously dealt with undervaluation or self-doubt.
You may feel for the first time that you are truly seen and understood due to their intense focus and the seeming depth of their relationship.
This feeling is consistent with psychological ideas of connection and validation, which emphasize how important it is for people to be understood and accepted.
However, the shift from idealization to depreciation can happen suddenly and confusingly.
The admiration and focus abruptly disappear, to be replaced with contempt, apathy, or even disdain.
This change can be quite unsettling, causing self-doubt and a strong need to win back the narcissist’s affection and acceptance.
The devaluation phase takes use of our basic fears of rejection and inadequacy, which sets off a mad dash for previously freely offered validation.
In addition to being harmful psychologically, this cycle of idealization and devaluation encourages a reliance on the narcissist for validation and self-worth.
An addictive loop is created when devotion is intermittently reinforced and then withheld, making you endure the devaluation in the hopes of regaining the idealization.
This pattern reminds me of B.F. Skinner’s behavioral tests, where subjects exhibited increasing and persistent behavior in response to unpredictable rewards.
This refers to persistently seeking the narcissist’s praise in a narcissistic relationship, even at the expense of your emotional well-being.
It is important to comprehend this cycle for several reasons.
First of all, it enables the realization that the deep yearning for the narcissist is not only for the person but also for the affection and affirmation they occasionally offer.
Acknowledging this can help break the pattern of addiction and dependent on the dynamics of the relationship.
It also emphasizes the significance of developing a strong, autonomous sense of self-worth and self-validation.
It’s freeing and powerful to know that your worth is independent of other people’s opinions.
This insight can be attained through self-care, establishing sound boundaries, and pursuing personal development.
Ultimately, recovery and healing can be facilitated by having a thorough awareness of the idealization and devaluation cycle.
It permits a perspective change from one of victimization to empowerment, from the lost narcissistic spouse to one of self-healing and contentment.
How to Move On?
The road to recovery and self-discovery after a narcissistic ex is a long and winding one. It involves removing the layers of suffering and uncertainty to reveal your sturdy inner self.
Patience, empathy, and a readiness to confront painful realities about the relationship and yourself are necessary for this process.
It’s important to realize that the desire for the narcissist is frequently a desire for the aspects of ourselves that you believe your only accessible through them.
1. The Power of Self-Validation
Learning the art of self-validation is one of the most transforming stages towards moving on. The capacity of narcissists to make us feel noticed and unique is typically what draws us to them.
You are, therefore, left in a never-ending state of seeking acceptance because this validation is temporary and contingent.
you start freeing yourself from the need for outside approval when you turn within and acknowledge your inherent value.
Journaling, mindfulness, and positive self-affirmations are a few practices that can help you amplify the voice inside that recognizes your value.
2. Creating a New Narrative
This involves questioning the false ideas the narcissist ingrained in you and creating a new identity according to your standards.
It means embracing the lessons, even the painful ones that have come from your experiences and the strengths that have grown from them.
You are the author of your own story in this new narrative that emphasizes self-compassion, resiliency, and empowerment.
3. The Role of Boundaries
Moving on and avoiding future involvement with narcissistic people needs the establishment and upkeep of appropriate boundaries.
Setting boundaries is about saying yes to your principles and well-being as much as it is about saying no to other people.
They are a sign of respect for oneself and a vital instrument for creating wholesome, mutually beneficial relationships.
Understanding your limitations, articulating them effectively, and upholding them in the face of opposition are all part of learning to set boundaries.
4. Engaging in Self-Care
In order to move forward, self-care is essential. It’s about caring for your bodily, emotional, and spiritual needs.
This might involve doing joyful things, going to counseling or coaching, and forming encouraging and supporting relationships with others.
Self-care is an affirmation of your value and your ability to take care of yourself.
5. Finding Purpose Beyond the Pain
Ultimately, discovering meaning beyond suffering might serve as a positive incentive to move on.
This is transforming your experiences into something worthwhile, like art, charity work, or supporting those who have encountered difficulties.
You can discover a sense of fulfillment and purpose that goes beyond the relationship by shifting your attention from the past to the possibilities of the present and the future.
Final Verdict
It pushes us to face the delusion of perfection, end the vicious cycle of devaluation and idealization, and recognize our true value.
You can close this chapter of your life by embracing self-care, establishing sound boundaries, and discovering new avenues for fulfillment.
Recall that moving on involves more than just letting go of the past; it also entails moving toward a time when you will be the one to provide your own happiness, love, and validation.
FAQ’s
What to do if you miss your narc ex?
Recognize that what you’re missing is the illusion they created, not the person themselves. Redirect your focus to self-care and healing.
Do narcissists ever miss their ex?
Narcissists may miss the control and validation they derived from the relationship, not the person for who they truly are.
How do I let go of my narcissistic ex?
Implement no contact, reconnect with your interests, and surround yourself with supportive people who understand your journey.
Will I ever get over my narcissistic ex?
Yes, with time and self-compassion, you will heal and find strength in the journey towards recovery. It’s a process that requires patience and support.
