After breaking up, why would a narcissist ex want to remain friends?
Their persistent need for narcissistic supply and their craving for control are frequently the cause of the problem.
By proposing friendship after separation, they guarantee a means of retaining power and access to their ex’s life.
Because they can access the pool of attention and appreciation anytime they want without having to shoulder the obligations and commitments of a genuine relationship, this arrangement feeds the narcissist’s ego.
5 Toxic Narcissist Behaviours After The Breakup
1. Obsession
It might be difficult to navigate the fallout from a relationship with a narcissist without feeling as though you’re lost in an emotional maze.
So why does a narcissistic ex-partner want to stay friends after dumping them?
Many people find this subject confusing, which prompts a closer examination of the motivations and actions of narcissists.
Fundamentally, the narcissist’s attempt to maintain connection after a breakup is rarely about friendship in its purest form.
It is clear from considering the perspectives offered by psychologists like Dr. Craig Malkin that narcissists have a craving for what is known as narcissistic supply.
This phrase includes the respect, focus, and emotional energy they draw from other people.
Declaring one’s intention to remain friends after a discard functions as a safeguard to guarantee this supply continues, albeit in a new form.
A narcissist’s friendship is characterized by an unbalanced dynamic.
The narcissist purposefully uses this relationship to exert some level of control and influence on their ex-partner.
It’s a means to an end without the true concern or regard for one another that characterizes strong friendships; the goal is the constant flow of supply.
The narcissist’s post-breakup conduct is frequently characterized by a preoccupation that is unrelated to love or loss.
It’s an outward sign of their urge to maintain control and keep their ex-partner in their orbit.
Hoovering, a phrase that refers to the narcissist’s attempts to “suck” their ex-partners back into a cycle of abuse and manipulation, is one way that this preoccupation might appear.
For people dealing with the fallout from a relationship with a narcissist, comprehending the motivations behind these actions is crucial.
It’s important to understand that these tendencies are tactics used by narcissists to maintain their cycle of control and supply extraction, not evidence of unconditional affection.
What does this mean, then, for those who are the recipients of such developments?
It emphasizes the significance of setting and upholding clear limits first and foremost.
Reestablishing a friendship with a narcissist under the guise of regard and concern for one another might result in additional emotional abuse and exploitation.
It’s a challenging but necessary step on the road to recovery and autonomy restoration.
2. Hoovering
During the difficult process of moving on from a relationship with a narcissist, a strange and frequently confusing behavior called hoovering occurs.
Why do narcissists hoover, particularly following a breakup or discard? More importantly, how does one go through this difficult part of the post-relationship landscape?
Fundamentally, hoovering is a strategy used by narcissists to reclaim their influence and authority over their ex-partners’ lives.
This tactic is not about making amends out of true love or regret.
Rather, it’s a deliberate attempt to keep a relationship going, making sure the narcissist gets the attention, affirmation, and narcissistic supply they require.
Anyone on the road to recovery has to be aware of this strategy.
Narcissists are skilled at starting hoovering with a variety of techniques.
They might be as subtle as texting or calling, or they can be more overt, like making unexpected visits or delivering gifts.
But the fundamental goal is still the same: to restore communication lines and
impact.
Knowing the psychology of hoovering reveals the narcissist’s ingrained fear of abandonment as well as their incapacity to respect limits.
Narcissists, in spite of their harsh exterior, are highly reliant on outside approval to support their precarious sense of self.
Their need for narcissistic supply makes them seek out ex-partners, whom they believe to be dependable suppliers of it.
Hoovering can be a very unstable cycle for people who are trying to recover from narcissistic abuse.
Every attempt to reconnect risks drawing the person back into a toxic dynamic in addition to reopening past traumas.
Here’s where strength comes from knowledge. People are better able to set and uphold firm limits when they are aware of the narcissist’s intentions and strategies.
It’s a crucial step toward recovering one’s identity and heading in the direction of real recovery.
When it comes to situations where interaction is necessary, like co-parenting, the secret is to firmly maintain zero or very little touch.
This method lessens the narcissist’s ability to manipulate, freeing the victim to concentrate on their healing and development.
3. Smear Campaigns
Getting through the fallout from a narcissistic relationship may often be confusing and painful.
Smear campaigns are a particularly evil tactic used by some narcissists.
This strategy entails disseminating untruths and unfavorable stories about the person they’ve dumped, and it’s firmly anchored in their need for dominance and control.
Not only is it critical for healing, but it’s also necessary for taking back control of your story.
What motivates narcissists to launch slander campaigns? Fundamentally, this conduct is a reflection of their incapacity to cope with loss and rejection.
Their inability to take responsibility for their mistakes leads them to project their shortcomings onto their ex-partner.
This does three things: it damages their ex’s reputation, keeps them away from friends, and attracts pity and attention to the narcissist.
It’s a planned tactic to ensure their ex is demonized while maintaining their façade of being misinterpreted or persecuted.
A smear campaign can be devastating.
The violation of confidence is equally as painful as the spread of lies.
Imagine someone you used to be close to turning against you and using your weaknesses as a weapon.
There is a significant psychological impact. Gaslighting is a condition in which victims frequently feel alone, betrayed, confused, and occasionally even doubt their own sanity.
How can one go around in this? First and foremost, you need to understand that the smear campaign is an accurate portrayal of the narcissist’s character rather than your own.
Gaining insight into their intentions can bring some comfort; it doesn’t matter what you did, but rather how they chose to respond to their loss of control over you.
Encircling oneself with a network of people who are helpful is essential.
Making contact with loved ones, friends, or experts who comprehend narcissistic tendencies can offer consolation on an emotional level as well as useful guidance.
Having support and affirmation from others is crucial while you work to restore your public persona and self-worth.
Third, it’s critical to establish boundaries.
This may include severing ties with people who have chosen sides or who are unable to accept reality, and it definitely entails staying in no communication at all with the narcissist.
Maintaining your mental solitude is essential.
Finally, think about the importance of documentation.
It may be vital to keep a record of all encounters, particularly those that could provide evidence of the smear campaign, particularly if legal action becomes a possibility.
Reevaluating one’s conception of relationships and trust is typically necessary, along with time and help, in order to fully recover from a smear campaign.
However, it also presents a chance for significant personal development.
4. Asking for Money
Resolving the fallout from a narcissistic relationship frequently reveals a range of deceptive strategies, one of which could be asking for money.
Why does this conduct appear, especially after something seems to have ended in a relationship?
After a breakup, a narcissist’s request for money is not just an appeal for assistance; it’s also a calculated attempt to keep connection and control.
Their general craving for power and their need to maintain some sort of connection with their ex-partner are the main causes of this conduct.
It is an expression of their transactional perspective on relationships, in which caresses, tenderness, and even conversations after a relationship are seen through the prism of what may be obtained from the other party.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula frequently talks about how narcissists see partnerships as chances to get what they can, treating their partners more like resources than sentient beings with wants and feelings.
Another level of exploitation occurs when they ask for money after a breakup, taking advantage of whatever emotional attachment or sense of duty their ex-partner may have to coerce them into complying.
The narcissist uses this conduct as a measure to determine how much power they still have over their ex-partner.
Fulfilling their request can be interpreted as an indication of their ongoing control, giving them a delusional sense of triumph over the autonomy of the other person.
How does one reply to these kinds of inquiries? Acknowledgment is the first step.
Realize that this request is more about keeping a connection that feeds their ego than it is about financial need.
Setting and enforcing strict boundaries is essential.
This could be flatly declining the request or, in situations where there are financial entanglements (like joint assets or debts), getting legal counsel to properly solve these connections.
Building a network of support is also essential. Talking to loved ones, coworkers, or experts who are aware of the dynamics at work can offer both practical guidance and emotional support.
They can act as a sounding board for you, supporting your decision to uphold boundaries and providing viewpoints that firmly anchor you in reality as opposed to the warped perspective the narcissist attempts to impose.
Lastly, it’s critical to concentrate on healing and personal development.
Breaking up with a narcissist can be a chance for introspection and personal growth.
5. Love Bombing
Love bombing is the word used to describe the passionate and sometimes overpowering first displays of devotion and admiration that narcissists pour on their partners.
It is recognizable to anyone who have navigated the turbulent aftermath of a relationship with one of these individuals.
This psychological tactic is employed to manipulate someone with the intention of gaining their love and trust.
The idea of “love bombing” could appear contradictory to the chilly dismissal that these relationships frequently endure in the later stages.
However, comprehending this conduct is essential to identifying the abusive cycle that characterizes narcissistic partnerships.
The narcissist may use love bombing again as a strategy to hold onto or recover power following a breakup or discard.
This could come in the form of impromptu declarations of love, elaborate displays, or assurances of improvement.
It’s a premeditated action intended to take advantage of their ex-partners’ emotional weaknesses and open wounds.
The final objective? is to entice them back into the abusive loop, guaranteeing that the narcissist will always get the respect and attention they crave.
Why, then, would a narcissist choose to stay friends following a discard?
Their never-ending search for the attention, affirmation, and adoration they need to support their frail ego is the source of the problem.
They can access this supply by staying friends after their split, and it also has the added advantage of retaining their ex in their social circle.
It serves as a safety net, guaranteeing that they have access to supplies in case new goals prove difficult to achieve or unsatisfactory.
The counsel I give in response to such techniques is based on how crucial it is to set clear boundaries.
Understand that the unexpected outburst of affection is a ploy for manipulation rather than an expression of true love or regret.
Resolving to not communicate with the other person is the best course of action; it creates a boundary that protects and promotes healing.
The process of getting over a narcissistic relationship is proof of the human spirit’s resilience.
It involves going through the difficult but freeing process of recovering one’s sense of self and realizing the manipulative tendencies for what they are.
Friends With Benefits?
For individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse, this understanding is essential as it supports their path to recovery and self-determination.
Narcissists get their nourishment from connections, which is what makes them thrive. This supply is not limited to Emotional or sexual; control and power are at play.
After a breakup, a narcissist would carefully craft a “friends with benefits” arrangement to maintain access to their supply without the obligations or expectations of a committed relationship.
In this scenario, they can carry on their deceptive practices such as devaluation and love bombing; under the pretense of friendship.
It is incoherent to think of being “friends with benefits” with a narcissist. The foundation of a true friendship is mutual respect, trust, and caring, elements that are alien to the interpersonal dynamics of a narcissist.
Therefore, the goal is to keep their ex-partners within reach for narcissistic fulfillment rather than preserving a true connection.
This arrangement is especially harmful since it takes advantage of the abandoned person’s emotional weakness.
It can rekindle their hope for reconciliation and draw them even deeper into the manipulative web of the narcissist.
The victim is left in a condition of permanent bewilderment and emotional upheaval as the cycle of idealization and devaluation persists, even in the absence of the label of a relationship.
I would advise anyone navigating this difficult terrain to set clear boundaries and give self-care top priority.
Acknowledge the “friends with benefits” idea for what it is: an attempt to keep things under control and steer clear of real intimacy.
By participating in this arrangement, you may postpone your recovery and remain trapped in a cycle of abuse and exploitation.
Recognizing the narcissist’s incapacity for a healthy connection and the necessity of safeguarding one’s emotional welfare are crucial steps in the rehabilitation process.
It’s about taking back your power and independence and realizing that you deserve connections based on empathy, respect, and assistance to one another.
This path can be difficult and demanding, requiring fortitude and resiliency, but it opens doors to a deeper level of self-awareness and the potential for real, meaningful relationships.
How To Move On?
Managing a breakup with a narcissist has special difficulties, especially if they indicate that they would like to stay friends after the breakup.
Your healing process depends on your ability to comprehend their intentions and put forward plans for moving forward.
After a split, narcissists frequently suggest friendship as a way to keep access to and control over their ex-partners, not because they are truly fond of them.
Their needs are met by this ongoing connection, regardless of the other person’s mental health.
Keep in mind that a narcissist’s demands and desires always come first in a relationship, which is inherently unbalanced.
Setting limits and putting a lot of emphasis on self-care is essential to get past this dynamic.
Acknowledging the nature of the relationship and the narcissist’s incapacity to participate in a mutually beneficial and healthy partnership is the first step.
Although coming to this realization can be difficult, it is essential to ending the manipulative loop.
Although it may seem extreme, cutting off all communication is frequently required to keep oneself safe from additional harm.
When it’s impossible to cut all ties, such as when kids are involved, it’s important to keep strong limits and restrict contact to what’s absolutely necessary.
It takes time and patience to regain confidence in your judgment and self-worth.
People who are in narcissistic relationships frequently start to question their own values and truth.
You can find a safe space to examine these emotions and create self-strengthening methods by participating in therapy or coaching.
Final Verdict
Anyone recovering from a relationship with a narcissist has to understand the reasons behind the narcissist’s conduct, particularly their desire to stay friends after a breakup.
Not only can identifying these patterns promote healing, but it also gives people the confidence to set boundaries and take back control of their lives.
The process of ending a narcissistic relationship can be difficult yet transforming, fostering personal development and a better comprehension of constructive interpersonal dynamics.
It’s a route away from the shadow of manipulation and control that leads to realizing one’s own value and creating relationships based on respect and love.
FAQ’s
Why do narcissists want to stay friends with their exes?
Narcissists stay friends with their exes to maintain access to their resources, including attention, admiration, and potentially, sexual access, as noted in a study by Mogilski and Welling (2017).
Can you be friends with a narcissist after a breakup?
Being friends with a narcissist after a breakup is not advised, as their motive for friendship typically revolves around their own gains rather than a genuine connection.
What triggers the narcissist to want you back?
Narcissists may want you back if they see you moving on successfully, as it triggers their competitiveness and desire to prove they are still superior.
What makes a narcissist tick after a breakup?
After a breakup, narcissists might engage in blame-shifting, make promises to change, or badmouth their ex as manipulation tactics to maintain control or salvage their ego.
