How come narcissists continually manage to come back into our lives, even with all the damage they cause?
It’s because you provide a narcissist with the attention, praise, and control they most desire; you’re more than just someone they care about.
They miss the boost to their ego that you give them, not who you are. A narcissist’s deliberate endeavor to recharge their never ending supply of validation is evident when they reappear in your life.
They take advantage of the memories and feelings that once united you—not out of love, but rather out of a need to maintain their sense of worth.
Identifying this deceptive strategy is the first step to protecting your harmony and continuing.
The Narcissist Wants Me Back, But Why?
1. Ego Supply
Have you ever questioned why narcissists manage to reappear in your life after causing you so much suffering and heartache?
It’s not that they’ve come to appreciate your value or that they’ve come to regret treating you badly.
The harsh reality is that you provide them with an immeasurable amount of ego.
Let’s examine the underlying psychology of this conduct.
Dr. Carl Jung, the renowned psychologist, introduced us to the idea of narcissistic supply, which is basically what narcissists need from others: attention, adoration, and even fear or disdain.
This need is essential to their self-worth, not just a desire.
They return to you because they want to replenish this empty ego store. They require an affirmation of their supremacy and existence.
Narcissists are coming back because of the help you provide, not because of love or regret.
For them, you’re like a battery, and without you, they feel helpless. It can be both freeing and devastating to realize this.
It breaks your heart to realize that the connection you had was abused for their gain, but it also frees you from the delusion that their return was a romantic gesture.
2. Control
Narcissists’ overwhelming need for control is a major factor in their attempts to draw you back in.
This urge results from a long-standing dread of being vulnerable and abandoned.
They can preserve the appearance of power and safety in their made-up world by holding you in their grasp.
Alfred Adler, a psychologist, talked a lot about how people try to overcome inferiority complexes by pursuing control and dominance.
When Adler’s theories are applied to narcissists, we see that their assertiveness serves as a coping method for their own perceived shortcomings.
They worry that their real, frail selves will be seen if they don’t use their power over you.
It’s about the narcissist’s ongoing struggle with self-worth, not about what you did or did not do. They try to manipulate you so they can’t deal with their weaknesses.
The sooner you realize this, the less likely their deceptions will trick you in the future.
3. Guilt Tripping
Why does interacting with a narcissist make you feel like you’re always at fault? In my profession, I get asked this question a lot.
For narcissists, guilt-tripping is an art form, not merely a strategy. They expertly use it to lure you back into their control network.
Guilt tripping is effective because it takes advantage of our natural desire to be accepted as good, mend what is wrong, and put things right.
Knowing these wants, narcissists make use of them to inflict emotional debt.
“After all I’ve done for you, how could you leave?” Saying that you’re the antagonist in a scenario where they’ve always been the one doing the dirty work, they could say.
It’s a clever tactic meant to cause you to doubt your reality and morality.
It can be immensely liberating to acknowledge guilt-tripping for what it is.
It enables us to realize that, particularly when it comes at the expense of our happiness or well-being, we are not accountable for the happiness or well-being of others.
Acknowledging this fact is the first step toward setting limits and reclaiming your identity.
4. Triangulation
Narcissists can use another smart tactic called triangulation.
Introducing a third party into the dynamics of the relationship puts you in a position where you feel pressured to compete with the narcissist for their attention or favor.
This may be a friend, a relative, or even an ex. The goal is to feed their ego by fabricating a rivalry and jealousy complex.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love posits that love consists of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
These elements work together to form a balanced whole in a healthy partnership.
But narcissists take advantage of these aspects, especially the passion element, to control feelings and results in their favor.
Narcissists who triangulate create a complex, emotionally charged environment in which the intensity of their emotional responses clouds rational thought.
It leaves you with feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, and, strangely, an increased desire to win their love, a classic kind of control manipulation.
Things They Do To Get You Back in Their Life
1. The Illusion of Change and Promises
The promise of change is one of the first tactics a narcissist may use. It’s a tried and true tactic meant to take advantage of your optimism and commitment to the partnership.
Recall that narcissists perceive nothing wrong with their acts despite being aware of them. Whenever they talk about change, it’s usually a token gesture.
The truth is that narcissistic people lack self-awareness and humility, which are necessary for profound, lasting change.
2. Fabricated Emotional Crises
Creating situations of vulnerability or catastrophe to draw you back in is another strategy.
They could seem to be hurt or in need of assistance in order to take advantage of your sympathy and understanding.
This move demonstrates their comprehension of human nature, particularly our natural tendency to assist others who are in need.
It’s critical to see these instances for what they are: deceptive situations designed to rekindle interest.
3. Jealousy
The narcissist fosters a climate of rivalry and fear by bringing in or fabricating a third party.
This is not about them being attracted to someone else; rather, it’s about them using you as a tool to control your feelings.
This tactic’s underlying goal is to make you compete with them for your attention, which will raise your opinion of their worth.
4. How to Ignore Them
Control and attention are what narcissists love. Their attempt to draw you back into their orbit is an intentional handle rather than an expression of love or regret.
This is the starting point of your resilience and self-discovery journey.
Regaining control and protecting your mental health are the main goals of ignoring a narcissist, not getting even or exacting retribution.
‘No Contact’ is a fundamental rule that helps people escape the cycle of narcissism.
It goes beyond simply not answering calls or messages; it involves cutting off all communication and possible manipulation.
At first, this may feel overwhelming, but keep in mind that the goal is setting boundaries that will promote your well-being.
You get stronger in your resolve and on your path to recovery each time you fight the need to react.
Ignoring a narcissist in the modern digital age extends into the world of virtual reality.
This includes preventing them from contacting you via email, social media, and any other digital channel.
Although it would be tempting to follow them, doing so will just serve to keep you in the loop of manipulation. A digital detox is essential to making real progress and may be immensely liberating.
Final Verdict
Gaining insight into narcissistic behaviors is a difficult but rewarding path.
Acknowledging the deceptive tactics utilized by narcissists, ranging from hoovering to taking advantage of our empathy, can be an effective weapon in our toolbox for self-improvement and emotional autonomy.
Understanding and self-awareness enable us to prioritize self-care, create boundaries, and, in the end, live a life free from the taint of narcissistic influence.
Adopting this learning and self-discovery path, aided by psychological insights, strengthens us against manipulation in the future and promotes healing, ultimately leading to a happier and more meaningful future.
FAQ’s
What is it called when a narcissist tries to get you back?
It’s known as “hoovering,” a method where narcissists attempt to suck their former partners back into the turmoil of their lives.
Why is my narcissist trying to get me back?
They seek to perpetuate the cycle of narcissism; your absence deprives them of the narcissistic environment they cultivated with you.
Do narcissists care if you move on?
Narcissists view people as possessions and might not cope well with your independence, seeing your move as a challenge to their control.
How do narcissists act after a breakup?
They often react with disproportionate anger and aggression, blaming others for the breakup and struggling to deal with social rejection.
