Have you ever wondered why you feel so exhausted and start to doubt your own sanity after interacting with your mother-in-law? Then you are not by yourself.
Having to deal with a selfish mother-in-law can be very hard, and at times it may seem impossible to get through causing your relationship to suffer.
How It Affects Your Marriage
Marriage pressure can be intense and severe when a narcissistic mother-in-law decides you are the latest target of her manipulation.
Not only are the persistent criticism, undermining, and manipulative actions damaging, but they also serve as a tactic for her to keep control and boost her ego.
This constant pessimism can cause disagreements with your partner and undermine the mutual respect and trust that are the cornerstones of your relationship.
You may wonder why she targets your marriage. The narcissist’s fear of losing control over their child and their perception of you as a danger to their power are often the source of the answer.
Their defensive mechanism is triggered by this fear, which makes them act in ways that are meant to upset your relationship.
Steps to Take To Avoid Involving her in your Personal Life
1. Information Diet
Carefully selecting what you reveal to your narcissistic mother-in-law is essential to handling your relationship with her.
Narcissists tend to twist personal information to further their agendas and use personal insights as power.
The goal of an information diet is self-preservation, not dishonesty. Talk about everyday, unimportant things in your life while keeping your weaknesses hidden.
This limited sharing reduces her ability to control or instigate drama.
Talk about neutral subjects like the weather, the news in general, or non-personal interests.
If the conversation starts to get personal, gently steer it back on course or respond in an ambiguous and reserved manner.
Maintaining a balance between privacy and engagement is necessary while using this strategy, so you don’t give people too much information or become totally walled off.
It’s also imperative to discuss the significance of this tactic with your spouse in order to make sure they recognize the value of putting on a united front.
Maintaining a consistent approach to sharing and keeping information confidential between you two can greatly minimize the possibility of unintentional revelations that could lead to unwelcome attention or intervention in your private life.
2. Accepting the Hard Truths
One of the most effective weapons in the fight against the difficulties presented by a narcissistic mother-in-law is acceptance.
It’s freeing to realize that while you can’t change her, you can manage your reactions and boundaries.
This could mean cutting down on interactions, establishing clear guidelines for appropriate behavior, and in certain situations, breaking off completely to protect your mental health and the integrity of your marriage.
Accepting that her personality disorder is real and that her actions are motivated by control issues and ingrained insecurities is the first step in the acceptance process.
While this realization does not justify her behavior, it does assist you in dehumanizing it so that you may see it as a reflection of her problems rather than of your value or the state of your marriage.
It might be difficult to set and uphold boundaries with a narcissistic mother-in-law because she might push back or try to turn your partner against you.
It’s critical to be honest with your partner about how you feel, how her actions are affecting your life, and how important it is to maintain your unity.
3. Cultivating Your Own Well-being
It’s critical to ground yourself in pursuits and routines that support your mental and emotional well-being among the chaos of managing a narcissistic mother-in-law.
To cultivate well-being is to declare that your value and serenity are independent of her behavior or approval, to reject the chaos.
Take part in enjoyable and soothing activities that you enjoy, such as hobbies, time spent in nature, or mindfulness and meditation.
These self-care practices relieve tension from handling narcissistic manipulation and serve as a constant reminder of your inherent value.
Additionally, making an investment in your mental well-being by attending counseling or support groups might teach you the skills you need to handle this connection better.
It’s also a place to reinforce your reality, which is frequently warped by narcissists’ frequent use of gaslighting techniques.
Recall that putting your health first is not selfish; rather, it’s necessary to keep your perspective and firmness in the face of constant difficulties.
4. Fostering Your Relationship
If given unlimited control, a narcissistic mother-in-law may unintentionally become the straw that breaks the back of your marriage.
But if you prioritize open communication, common ground, and respect for one another, your relationship can not only endure but flourish.
Make time for your relationship that isn’t impacted by your mother-in-law a priority.
Take use of this time to deepen your relationship by talking about your goals, principles, and the future you both see.
Maintaining open lines of communication regarding how to manage the dynamics with your mother-in-law will strengthen your relationship and make sure that you both feel heard and understood.
Think of couples counseling as a preventative step to help you deal with the difficult feelings and circumstances that come up.
Keep in mind that your marriage is a partnership that has to be nurtured and safeguarded, particularly when facing outside obstacles.
How To Get Rid of a Narcissistic Mother in Law
1. Establishing Boundaries
In managing any relationship; especially one with a narcissistic mother-in-law—it is essential to establish clear limits.
The integrity of your marriage and your mental calm are based on boundaries. But how can these boundaries be set up in an efficient way?
Limits: Start by reflecting on the actions you believe appropriate and inappropriate.
This could take the form of nosy inquiries about personal affairs or unsolicited marital advice. The first step in claiming your limits is realizing what they are.
Communication: Make sure your partner knows what your boundaries are. It guarantees alignment and projects a unified image.
Although you may not want to have this talk, it is important for your marriage’s overall health. Being explicit and forceful is crucial when letting your mother-in-law know what these boundaries are.
There are some boundaries that just cannot be violated, even though you respect her. That should be the clear message conveyed.
Consistency: It’s one thing to establish limits; it’s another to enforce them. Reinforcing these boundaries with your responses must be consistent.
It lets your mother-in-law know that you take your boundaries seriously and that going over them would have serious repercussions.
2. The Gray Rock Method
If avoiding contact is not an option, the gray rock method is a very useful technique.
This tactic is reducing your reactions to stimuli by becoming as emotionally indifferent as a gray rock.
The idea of emotional detachment is to become so boring and uninteresting that the narcissist would no longer target you.
Selective Engagement: Participate only in discussions that are absolutely essential, and reply in a concise, impartial manner.
Refrain from disclosing personal experiences, viewpoints, or feelings that can be used as leverage.
Self-preservation: Recall that the goal of this technique is to protect oneself, not to suppress. It’s making the decision to focus your emotional energy on wholesome relationships rather than a conflict where you’re always losing.
3. Limited Information Sharing
For a narcissist, information is like currency. They have less power to manipulate the less they know.
Neutral Topics: Limit your talk to topics that are neutral. Talking about the weather, the news in general, or other unthreatening topics keeps the conversation light-hearted and less vulnerable to abuse.
Privacy as a Priority: Make it clear that there are things in your life that are personal and should not be discussed. This creates a respect for privacy within the family dynamics while also limiting her toolkit.
Final Verdict
In my work, I’ve seen people and couples overcome the difficulties brought on by toxic mother-in-laws to become stronger people.
It is possible to lessen the negative effects of a narcissistic mother-in-law on your life and marriage, but it will take time, tolerance, communication, and perhaps difficult choices.
Mutual understanding and support is an important aspect to overcome this situation. Always remember that you are a team of two and you have to safeguard your marriage from external threats together.
References
Lamkin, J., Lavner, J., & Shaffer, A. (2017). Narcissism and observed communication in couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 105, 224-228. https://doi.org/10.1016/J.PAID.2016.09.046.
Campbell, W., & Foster, C. (2002). Narcissism and Commitment in Romantic Relationships: An Investment Model Analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28, 484 – 495. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167202287006.
FAQ’s
Can a marriage survive with a narcissistic mother in law?
Yes, a marriage can survive with a narcissistic mother-in-law, but it requires awareness, strong communication between partners, and setting firm boundaries to mitigate the toxicity.
What happens when you ignore a narcissistic mother in law?
Ignoring a narcissistic mother-in-law may lead to her becoming angry, attempting to punish you, or using manipulation and guilt-tripping tactics to seek attention.
What are the effects of a narcissistic mother in law?
The effects of a narcissistic mother-in-law include manipulation, criticism, passive-aggressive behavior, and potentially creating a family dynamic where the daughter-in-law feels like an outsider.
What is a narcissistic mother in law Gaslighting?
Narcissistic mother-in-law gaslighting involves denying events, insisting you’re misinterpreting her words, or lying to manipulate reality, making you question your perception.
