Ever wondered what makes a Covert Narcissist so furious over such insignificant and meaningless slights? An extreme emotional reaction to threats to their deeply insecure self-image, narcissistic anger is the concept that holds the key to the solution.
Having this understanding is essential for preserving one’s well-being and successfully navigating interactions with narcissists.
What Is Narcissistic Rage
Covert narcissists present a front of humility (humbleness) or self-deprecation (showing oneself to be excessively modest and likable) to mask their sense of entitlement and superiority. They are very smart beings when it comes to portraying a false self image to charm others.
However, their brittle ego is what makes them most vulnerable. Any slight that contradicts their perception of themselves, real or imagined, might make them very angry. Because they carefully construct their deceptive image, any threat to it triggers their insecurity.
This could be as straightforward as not getting the expected degree of respect or recognition, or it could be more complicated like being made to answer for their deeds and take accountability.
I’ve observed how these triggers appear; narcissists in hiding don’t show their rage in public.
As an alternative, they use passive-aggressive strategies like backhanded compliments, silent treatment, and manipulating other people to get their retribution.
Their fury serves as a sheild against criticism or failure, shielding their fragile sense of self.
Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury. This term, initially coined by Heinz Kohut, illuminates the explosive anger and aggressive outbursts that occur when a narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth feels threatened.
Unlike typical anger, narcissistic rage is intense, disproportionate, and often unpredictable.
The underlying reason? a severe need to uphold a façade of perfection and a deep-seated dread of being vulnerable.
Anger is a coping mechanism used by narcissistic people to justify their power and control over others and divert attention from their flaws.
Such situations call for a careful balance in handling.
My recommendation? Set limits, keep your composure, and, if needed, get outside assistance. Knowing the mechanisms at work enables us to safeguard our well-being while approaching these people with empathy.
9 Triggers of Covert Narcissist
1. Criticism
Why does a narcissist seem to be destroyed by even helpful criticism? Their inflated sense of self is directly challenged by criticism, which is quite uncomfortable. What they do to others is not acceptable for themselves.
They frequently respond to the underlying danger to their grandiosity as well as the criticism’s content.
2. Failure to Meet Expectations
Narcissists have high standards for everyone around them as well as for themselves. When these high standards are not met by reality, they may react angrily and quickly.
This knowledge has helped me to recognize the value of having open lines of communication and setting reasonable expectations in all of my encounters with people who have narcissistic qualities.
3. Loss of Control
Narcissists need to feel in control of their lives. They frequently react with excessive rage when situations leave them helpless.
Apart from themselves, they also like to control their victim’s life and every single thing that affects them.
This problem can be solved by creating a culture where no one is dominating and the control is shared. This might take time to build but it is worth it.
4. Shifting Focus
For many people with narcissistic tendencies, it is important that they be the center of attention. Even a momentary shift in the spotlight can cause powerful emotions.
This has highlighted how important it is to balance attention-giving in order to ensure that praise is given out in a balanced manner.
Narcissists can’t survive without their enablers who give them constant attention and praise. It is important to understand the damage and consequences of these actions. Nothing should be in excess and the boundaries always must be there.
5. Lack of Recognition
The characteristic of narcissism is an uncontrollable demand for approval and admiration which is hard to satisfy. When this recognition is absent, it triggers their sense of worthlessness and they fear their real insecure self might come out in public.
My strategy has been to support self-validation while simultaneously recognizing sincere accomplishments and nothing unbalanced. It’s important to not always give them what they want and prioritize one’s own mental health.
6. Success of Others
For a narcissist, seeing others succeed can be very upsetting and frequently results in attempts to discredit their accomplishments. They cannot share the spotlight with anyone. They believe only one person can be the center of attention and it must be them who receive all the praise. This really triggers their sense of self importance and hidden insecurities.
Understanding this has brought attention to how important it is to celebrate group accomplishments rather than individual victories and to cultivate a culture of mutual support.
7. Hypersensitivity
Because narcissists are extremely sensitive to slights, even neutral remarks may be interpreted negatively.
I’ve come to understand the need of communicating intelligibly and directly, as ambiguity can lead to misinterpretations even with normal individuals.
8. Holding Grudges
A narcissist has a great ability to hold resentment, they even remember the slightest change in someone’s tone. They hold deep resentment towards anyone who dares to threaten their carefully created public image.
This has made me realize how important it is to deal with problems as soon as they arise and to try to find a solution before they worsen. Try not to say anything which is not needed and limit your conversations to avoid unnecessary drama and misunderstandings.
9. Need for Revenge
For many narcissists, feeling insulted and wanting revenge is a major motivator. They won’t let go unless they have made others pay. Their revenge will be much worse than the insult.
Having acknowledged this, I have stressed the value of forgiving and letting go for both the narcissist and others impacted by their behavior.
6 Passive Aggressive Traits of Covert Narcissists
1. The Art of Non-Cooperation
I find their strategic non-cooperation to be one of the most puzzling characteristics.
Not only is this trait annoying, but it’s an intentional attempt to show disregard without coming to blows with someone.
By identifying this strategy, we can minimize its negative effects on our projects and well-being by establishing clear boundaries and expectations.
2. The Mask of Helpfulness
At first, covert narcissists could come across as willing to help, but when assistance is needed, they will become noticeably missing. They only like to put on a show.
This habit of offering assistance and then not providing it is a deceptive tactic used to instill a sense of dependency and illusion. This is all words and no actions. Their narcissistic self likes it when people are dependent on them, it makes them feel that they are more important than others which boosts their ego. It makes them have the upper hand and control over the situation.
Knowing this, I promote developing independence and a healthy mistrust of offers of help that appear too good to be true. Recognize their patterns and try to break the loop they have created. Don’t trust everything they say and try not to depend too much on them.
3. Confusion in Confrontation
Covert narcissists use the act of pretending to be confused as a ploy to avoid responsibility and confuse others. By doing this they play the victim and clear their image.
This is how they cover up their acts and escape accountability when faced with a confrontation. They gaslight you into believing that you were wrong and they were the one compromising and struggling.
Facing this alot in my marriage, I have come to the conclusion that you should always enter such debates with a firm stance and concrete evidence. Don’t believe their lies and try not to enter their web of mind games. Believe in yourself and stand for your word.
4. Questioning as Control
In an attempt to manipulate and humiliate others, covert narcissists frequently use questions as weapons out of a craving for control. They just love control over others. This sense of control gives them the opportunity to toy with others feelings and their confidence.
When you get triggered by these others or lose control, nothing makes them happier.
Acknowledging these provocative questions for what they are, control mechanisms allow us to confidently answer and set clear boundaries. Always know their intention behind these kinds of tactics and don’t give them what they are craving.
5. Victimhood as a Shield
Covert narcissists often take on the role of victim, using their falsely created pain to gain sympathy and power. They pretend to be the victim to shield their image.
Knowing this strategy will help you keep your distance emotionally and avoid falling into their victimization story.
6. Behind-the-Scenes Manipulation
One of the main characteristics of covert narcissism is the smear campaign, which is carried out in secret.
This strategy seeks to sabotage relationships and reputations in a sneaky and subtle way.
Understanding this tactic is essential for preserving one’s connections and reputation, promoting open communication, and encouraging skepticism toward invalid claims.
How to Protect Yourself from the Anger
1. Establishing Boundaries
Setting up clear boundaries is one of the best tactics I support. Saying “NO” and creating your boundaries are important.
Boundaries are statements of your dignity and self-respect, not just limitations you place on other people. A narcissist’s ability to incite rage is greatly reduced when they see these restrictions.
2. The Power of Detachment
Being detached does not imply being heartless or cold. It means resisting letting the narcissist’s mess take control of your emotions. This also helps you see the situation from a third person perspective and make better decisions.
3. Grey Rock Method: Becoming Uninteresting
Making oneself psychologically boring to the narcissist is part of the Grey Rock Method. Act casually in response to their attempts to incite you to rage.
When they try to get you into a fight, don’t react emotionally. Since narcissists love arousing strong emotions in others, this approach works very well.
They will find you less appealing if you don’t give this.
4. Seek Support
It might be lonely navigating the complexity of narcissistic fury, but keep in mind that you’re not alone.
Comfort and understanding can be obtained through counseling, support groups, and relationships with people who have gone through comparable circumstances.
Final Verdict
Patience, understanding, and resilience are necessary to successfully navigate the rough seas of a relationship with a narcissist, especially when it comes to handling their rage.
It is possible to carve a road toward healing and progress by setting clear boundaries, exercising detachment, being aware of triggers, using the Grey Rock Method, getting help, and placing self-care first.
FAQ’s
What hurts a covert narcissist the most?
Fear of exposure deeply affects covert narcissists, as it threatens their carefully crafted image of perfection and benevolence.
What upsets a covert narcissist?
Ignoring a covert narcissist upsets them because it disrupts their expected responses from others, potentially leading them to adopt more overt manipulative tactics.
What is the mind of a covert narcissist?
The mind of a covert narcissist is marked by high sensitivity, low self-esteem, a deep need for validation, and a heightened reaction to criticism due to a fragile sense of self.
How to mess with a covert narcissist?
To counteract a covert narcissist: maintain your self-identity, liberate your thoughts from their influence, limit their impact on you, shift your focus, and firmly establish your independence.
